So who is he?

They took my son Kartik and still my heart is beating! My laughter still rings out heartlessly at a joke or a humorous situation, what is it that keeps me alive? Not once, but twice over with Dhananjay too and still I live!!! Who is this person who is so strong, though my heart feels so weak with worry??
Who is this fellow who assures me that God will look after them, and with such amused and clinical detachment , whilst I pop pills to still my worries? Who is he ? Why does he keep reminding me "Bash on regardless" why does he remind me of Kipling's "If" ;of the verses on the Gita that say"yield not to unmanliness"; who is he?
Why does he smile as I try to distract myself with a search for a reason to exist, why does he keep me from suicide? Why do I struggle to exist, when every organ in me is failing, who is he that urges me on? Is he my friend or foe? My benefactor or tyrant? My survival or my death?
He knows my every emotion, my every weakness , my every foible and yet why is he my companion? Who is this raconteur of my tale who spells it out , glories and shames alike?
Merciless, there is no love , no hate , just an existence, emotionless, devoid of the throes of feeling, yet he torments me with my failings and exults in my glories... Who is he?